A number shouldn’t tell me how to feel about myself
I weighed myself the other day and was shocked to realize although I felt super sexy, light and no way near ‘fat’ or ‘heavy’ the number on the scale made me question this feeling of beautifulness.
“The number is way too high for it to be an ‘acceptable’ representation of how I was feeling, I’ve even gained a bit more from the last time I weighed myself”, these were the first thoughts running through my head. How is it that I had a default setting with which I measured my beauty, or right to feel beautiful based on a number on the scale?
The last time I was on the scale, it sure was a very different experience and reaction. I was so unhappy with my weight, I had gained 8kg in quite a short time span just after loosing it a few months before. (During my ‘lighter months’ I had a whole different and delightful shopping experience: I had sized down and many fashion styles that I had only dreamt of wearing finally fit me! I was enjoying shopping so much that it was hard for me not to go shopping haha 😂)
WHAT CHANGED?
During the months I was gaining weight my lifestyle had changed loads. My everyday activity had decreased and what I was eating had increased. Consequently, my motivational state (getting out of bed, going for walks, studying, working, etc.) had changed dramatically. I was stuck in a cycle of sleeping really late, binge watching series, not going outside for walks (or even groceries), not exercising daily, not preparing any healthy and truly supporting meals, reducing my contact with others and having difficulty committing to jobs .. so basically procrastinating a lot! And after a long period of dreading to look at the scale I finally did it, and sure enough i wasn’t very happy about the result. But it made sense and confirmed the way I had been living wasn’t supportive in any way. It was a wakeup call to not linger around any longer and instead start to love myself again. So, after a long enough time of self-indulgence and self-pitying I finally had enough and started to take steps back to a day filled with more love, joy, motivation and ease.
By strictly reducing my social media, music and movies (including series on YT) intake and making sure to prepare and buy more supporting foods really helped me stay focused and reduced my urge to shut off or hide away.
The Biggest Turnaround
BUT the biggest turnaround in my commitment to returning to my everyday was … sleep. Yes SLEEP! My sleep length and rhythm had taken the biggest blow during my off phase. At times I wasn’t sleeping before 2am and didn’t sleep longer than 6h, this was the easiest way to keep myself in a trance of sadness and zero motivation.
By focusing on my sleep and changing the routine and rhythm i supported myself to address and respond to what needed changing to get me back on track with uni, work and my relationships, especially the one with myself. I slowly but steadily got back out of the dark and sticky swamp I was laying in.
I’m still adjusting and refining my daily activities and meals to increasingly support myself. But my self image and how I feel automatically shifted from judgement and criticism to appreciation and celebration as soon as I focused on what there was for me to do every day and starting to feel joyful about this again. Not holding back and covering up after having been hiding away and building up a protective layer (of fat haha) but rather stepping back into the light of allowing myself to be in the loveliness of delicateness and sensitivity, had led to my surprised expression when I saw the number on the scale when I weighed myself the other day. On top of that i allowed me to question, why a number of a scale should change the way I feel rather than automatically feeling bad about myself. Even though I am weighing more than I ever have, I feel just as sexy, classy and beautiful as I was with 9kg less. Yes, I am currently wearing a different size in my jeans and my curves look more voluminous than before, but the openness, lightness and grace I felt when I was skinnier returned the moment I said yes to enjoying life and living it with all its responsibilities. Not making it about how I look but instead how I feel within ✨💫
