Testimony on Consent

„I was not raped but I also did not give my consent.“

„I need to stop being polite. It‘s not a contract.“

"Feeling like a person not an object.”

“I had a hard time explaining what was wrong for a long time. I kissed her back when she kissed me. I never told her to stop. I couldn’t find the words to tell my friends why I flinched when she touched me. She and I never talked while it was happening. Eventually I would stop moving, arms limp and eyes averted and focus on the crack in the ceiling of my room. She would continue, faster and harder, and sometimes when I would come back she would be done, and sometimes she wouldn’t be. I don’t think she ever noticed I was gone. I wonder sometimes why I didn’t say no, where all of my no’s went every time I needed them.”

JENNY

“I did not give consent to my first sexual partner. Get this, I was not raped but I also did not give my consent and unfortunately, this is true for many other young women and girls all around the world. Growing up, society has conditioned us to succumb to certain pressures. Even as ‘aware’ and independent as we have become, many of us still have sex with our partners and other people without giving our consent.”

BETTY

“I was taught the mechanics of sex but nothing about what consent should look like. In other words, I knew how to give oral sex, but not how to refuse performing it. Entering the dating and hookup scene with low self-esteem and little knowledge led to many encounters of an “icky” nature: I didn’t know how to stop them, once started, and often felt as if I was contractually obligated to take the guy to the end and expect nothing in return. So I did, even as I wished I didn’t have to.”

LIDIA

“I was told that the ones who held back until they had permission were the pussies, the cowards, and the nerds. I’ve encountered, oh, about 10,000 messages from movies implying that nothing is sexier than a guy who doesn’t wait for consent and that there’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.”

PETE

“We kissed first, then he started pulling off my clothes. He said how much and for how long he had wanted me like this, how much he fancied me. I liked him too. Part of me was happy to hear that I could turn a boy into pieces of desire. The moment turned bittersweet because I started to fear that if we went all the way, everything would turn just sexual. I didn’t feel ready to have sex with him yet. I felt guilty for being so naive and I feared his reaction if I said no. To this day I look back with regret and shame for being so naive.”

ANA

“From the movies I learned one thing: In any relationship, men are the predators, women are the prey. Their expressions of fear and rejection — including defensive physical attacks – are a coy game to be overcome. I learned that the cool guys molest and manipulate women into loving them at least once! The result of those violent encounters is in most movies that she falls in love with him and they spend the rest of their lives together.”

ALEX

“After a couple of drinks at a party, I approached a guy I liked. After exchanging small talk and dancing a bit, I started kissing him. He quickly asked me to go downstairs with him and I said no. He asked again and again. He told me I was a tease and if I wasn’t going to sleep with him, what was the point? I got embarrassed, and ended up following him to the basement, still saying I wasn’t comfortable with sex. But I felt like I owed him something.

When we got to the basement, I sat on the top of a washing machine and he took my clothes off. I soon realized I was alone; my friends upstairs couldn’t hear or find me. I was scared. I said nothing after the first few no’s, but after that, I put my clothes on, got up and went upstairs.

I’m lucky. A lot of people don’t have the option of walking out. It reminds me that consent is not sexy for some men; it’s a chore.”

MARIEL

“Maybe we all have different reasons for saying yes when our bodies or hearts say no. The first time I had sex, the implication was that I would say yes. Not because I had to under some form of coercion, but simply because it was the polite, lady-like thing to do. I was not the kind of woman who said no. And throughout the years, I thought that gave me power over the situation, but really, it took even more away. I need to find my ability to not just say “yes” or “no,” but also “not tonight” and “that hurts.” I need to stop being polite about it. Dating is not a contract, and I do not have to display my affection through sex.”

CARLA

“I had to reassert myself every step. No, I do not want to have sex. No, I don’t want to try that. Can we stop this now? These vocalizations are how we are taught to handle consent. But it is also exhausting to have to constantly ask to be heard. It is draining to keep putting up yield and stop signs. Yes, I consented, but man, am I tired of being the only one responsible for keeping things consensual. The agency to keep saying “no” isn’t agency at all.”

CARLY

“He had asked if he could kiss me. Instead of a moist darting tongue, I received a question. Whenever we spooned, he would ask if he could touch me. A marvel. It was such a simple question, yet I had never heard it. I was accustomed to my partners groping my breasts or my butt while I attempted to fall asleep. I never felt more like an object than when their arousal didn’t even require my consciousness. Hearing this simple question — “Can I touch you?” — reminded me I should feel like a person.”

MOLLY