Love is setting...
What are my Boundaries ?
Even though we talk about them in relation to other people, in some ways boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself.
Boundaries help you honour your needs, goals, feelings and values. Boundaries can be emotional, physical or even digital, for example:
- I’m cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords.
- I’m comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public.
- I’m okay with regularly texting, but I don’t want to text multiple times in an hour.
- I want to spend time with my friends/family on weekends.
- I need some quiet time to myself every day.
- I’m comfortable with some touching, but I’m not ready to have sex.
If you don’t want to talk with someone about your boundaries, because you’re afraid they’ll react with anger or violence that is a warning sign that there may be some abuse going on!
Can boundaries change ?
YES! Absolutely, it’s normal for boundaries to change in all our relationships. We might not be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but we might be totally cool with it some time down the line. Like being physically intimate.
On the other hand, we might realize something crosses a boundary for us after experiencing it for the first time and we realize that we have to set clearer boundaries. For example, someone touched you and it wasn’t ok, so communicate that you don’t want that again.
Important! Every person has the right to change their boundaries at any time. What’s important is that you’re communicating your boundaries and the changes so the other person knows it.
Super important is that YOU are making changes to your boundaries, because YOU want to, not because you’re being pressured, forced or manipulated into making them.
“You deserve to be safe and respected, and boundaries play a big part in creating healthy relationships that let you be YOU.”
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries begin
with healthy attitudes.
Healthy attitudes in relationships:
- Not needing another to feel good about yourself.
- Enjoying just being with you.
- Being able to balance time on your own and time with your partner and others.
- Having other meaningful friendships.
- Being able to see and focus on your own, and others’ good points.
- Communicating in a way that is open and real.
- Trusting your friends or partner and being committed to those relationships.
- Respecting and accepting the ways in which you and your partner or friends are different.
- Being open and able to communicate what you need and want, in a clear and unimposing way.
Accepting when the relationship is changing or ends.
Unhealthy attitudes in relationships:
- Feeling incomplete without the other person.
Relying on others (especially your partner) to make you happy.
Wanting either too much or too little time together.
Being unable to build and maintain close friendships with others.
Always focusing on others flaws and worst qualities.
Playing games; being manipulative; not being willing to listen.
Displaying jealousy and not being committed in your relationship.
Criticising your partner or friends for being different to you.
Being unable to ask for what you need or want.
Being unable to change, let go and move on.