IS YOUR PARTNER CONTROLLING
WHO U ARE TALKING TO?
Jealousy comes from a feeling of inferiority and the tendency to compare yourself to others and not feeling good enough.
It can come from a place of suspicion and insecurity – in truth it’s fear, fear of not being good enough.
When we live with insecurity, jealousy can rapidly grow into paranoia and obsession and threaten to destroy the very relationship we’re most afraid to lose. When it hits us, it can trick us into believing our relationship is in immediate danger and all we want is to protect what we treasure most.
Often, we confuse jealousy with love and believe ‘wow that person is really into me’, but in truth that is far away from what love truly is. It often starts with small things like a suspicious partner hunting for evidence of cheating. If they come up empty, rather than feel satisfied, they’ll vent their frustration through a variety of methods, attacking the other person with accusations, blaming, name- calling, and threats before moving onto emotional and physical abuse.
The tactics can take on many forms, all to prevent them from feeling the fear of the possible loss. While it may seem sweet when someone wants to spend all of their time with you, a person who respects and loves you will give you your own space.
A healthy relationship doesn’t require ‘check-in’s’. Your partner shouldn’t require you to stay in constant contact when you’re away. Knowing you’re safe should be enough, and if it’s not, your boundaries are not being respected.
You are your own person,
and you’re allowed to live your own life!
Jealousy check-list:
- You’re expected to spend all your time with them.
- They’re not just excited to see you, they’re insistent.
- They ask you to blow off practice, ditch your friends, or back out of work, school, or family commitments because they’ve “never felt this way before” and “need to be near you.”
- They may become moody when you don’t comply, and they tend to show up wherever you are, uninvited.
- They hate being away from you & contact you constantly when you’re not together.
- They like to know what you’re doing and who you’re with.
- When you’re away, they call, text, or contact you through social media the entire time, expecting immediate responses.
- They ask you to turn on tracking apps, like Snap Maps, so they can see where you are.
- You keep your phone close at hand because you know if you don’t reply fast enough, they’ll become suspicious or get upset.
These are all clear signs of jealousy and control. You do not need to tick them all to know that jealousy is happening. You need to feel into each of them and see how much they influence your life to realize what is really taking place. In this way you can assess the truth of what is going on.
“A caring partner will never force you to give up your hobbies, relationships, jobs, or activities so they can dominate your time.”
Are there ..
..certain people you wouldn’t interact with, cause you know it can lead to a fight with your partner? The list might include exes, people you used to like or once had a crush on, people of the other sex generally, etc.
There are many arguments you are given as to why not: “I trust you, I just don’t trust them”; “I feel uncomfortable when you talk to that person”; “Am I not enough for you?”
Your partner controlling who you can talk to can lead to an abuse tactic called ISOLATION.
Eventually, everyone becomes off-limits until you’re isolated to only your partner. This is a situation where more and more emotional and physical abuse can unfold and you have less and less people to support you.
It’s never okay to regulate who your partner can and can’t talk to. Loving someone means trusting them to make good decisions about the people they hang out with.
Express your concerns in a loving and honest way, but if one of you can’t trust the other, it may be time to move on.
Jealousy is not about you!
Jealousy is about the insecurities of your partner and not the love they have for you! Jealousy comes from:
- Low self-esteem
- Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness that come from a dependency on the partner to feel loved and good about themselves.
- Feelings of inadequacy, fearing that they are not good enough.
- Stop controlling others and life generally. The more you control the more you worry.
- Focus on yourself, build your self-love and confidence.
- Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings with your partner, your fear of rejection, your insecurities, etc.
- Speak from what you feel, don’t blame, finger point, accuse or become angry!!
- Ask for support.
